Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Why I'm not THAT unreliable friend.

I'm often referred to as the unreliable friend, and have been for several years. You know that friend who makes arrangements and cancels them at last minute, and really annoys you? Yeah, that's me, Mrs Unreliable. I've lost many groups of friends over the years because I'm too embarrassed to talk about why I cancel arrangements at short notice, or why I can be a little flaky at times. I would rather make up a millions ridiculous excuses than actually tell the truth, because I'm embarrassed by my mental illness. 

Since blogging I've made loads of amazing friends and have been invited to lots of great events and meet ups, and lately, yeah you guessed it, Mrs Unreliable comes out. I start cancelling. 

I have anxiety and depression and have had so for many years. Recently I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder which has helped a lot as it makes me understand lots of things I do in my life. I also now have a son, and this makes things a million times worse because not only do I overthink and worry about myself, I do the same for him too. I'm currently on new tablets for my bipolar disorder and they are absolutely killing me. I hate side effects of medication anyway but these are by far the worse I've had. My mood swings are the worst I've ever experienced in my life, and most of the day I just sit on the sofa hardly being able to move. I'm hoping the side effects wear off within the next week or so.

I don't have panic attacks on public transport. In I'm more than happy to toddle off into Leeds on the train, on my own, with Dexter. I have no problems with that. I do however have problems with days leading up to events or meet ups I've arranged to go to. I'll be feeling great and arrange so much stuff that I know I should feel able to do, but a day or a few days before what I've arranged the anxiety hits me. I have a panic attack at home, and the only way to stop the panic attack to to completely withdraw myself from the situation I'm in. That includes cancelling at short notice.

So when you're out and about at a blogger meet up, or I've cancelled lunch on you for the fifth time in a row, I'm not an unreliable friend. I'm the most loyal and reliable friend you could ever have, just sometimes, especially at the moment, things are a little harder to own up to. I think I should be more honest about things now, and say 'hey, I don't feel up to going, I am poorly, and it's my anxiety'. At the end of the day, mental illness is an illness, just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there. And sometimes maybe all I want in return is a 'hey, that's ok, don't worry' because that can make someone feel a million times better. 

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14 comments:

  1. I'm 100% guilty of flaking contact and not always showing up to things. I've never taken any cancellations or quiet periods to heart so I hope you know our friendship will never be compromised. ❤️

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  2. I'm very very similar to you in that respect. You are not alone xxx

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    1. I think a problem shared is a problem halved, if more people talked about their problems I don't think we would be as embarrassed at the outcome x

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  3. Aww Michelle, hope everything is ok. Don't worry when I cancel plans I typically have no other excuse than the fact I slept in.
    Hope you all well other than this.
    Sammie
    x

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    1. Yeah things are getting much better lovely :) x

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  4. Oh hun, I had no idea about this! You poor mite. You know if you ever need a chat about anything, I can lend an ear :) I really hope that those side effects wear off soon! xx

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    1. It's ok lovely, I thought I needed to share it as I know I've been a little skittish with plans recently, and simply saying 'I'm not very well' doesn't cut it as a good enough excuse sometimes x

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  5. I can totally relate to this. I really hope that your new tablets kick in soon because side effects can be horrendous.

    Don't ever feel like I think you're being unreliable if anything is ever cancelled etc because we're on the exact same page and it IS totally ok, you don't need to worry. You need to look after yourself and your family first and foremost. Everybody else comes second! x

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    1. You actually really inspired me to write this post, I had just read yours a few minutes earlier before I decided to write mine. I think if more people shared their experiences they would know they weren't alone x

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  6. What a brilliant (and brave) post.

    I too suffer from Anxiety and depression, and have been in exactly the position you talk about, cancelling appointments or feigning a 'real' (said with great sarcasm) illness (of my own or my daughter) so I don't have to explain that I wont be able to leave the house without a panic attack.

    I wish I had been braver to start with and admitted it was depression/anxiety that stopped me going out as now I have got to the point I just don't get invited out and I don't know which is easier to deal with.

    Thankyou for sharing, and as I know feel someone else gets me, I hope you do to.

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  7. Thanks Tessa, I'm glad someone else has been through the same, it's awful thinking you're the only person, and that can slowly make you loose your sanity haha! I honestly wished I could have admitted it sooner and dealt with it. I totally can second that about not being invited out any more, or people avoiding asking me out in case I cancel. x

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  8. I'm really glad you've been able to come to terms with this -- and to admit it! While I can't sympathise completely, I know what its like to feel anxious and when that nervous fight-or-flight kicks in so I hope you manage to conquer it when you feel ready. It seems like a lot of people are completely understanding and probably a little guilty of it themselves so I don't think you have anything to worry about!

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  9. Really hope those meds start getting easier Hun, but don't just suffer in silence if they don't - remember what I told you about the amount I've been on! ;) make sure you tell your psyc & they'll see what else might work.

    I'm sure everyone totally gets it. And if they don't, they're not worth worrying about. I think it's very brave of you to write this post though.

    Don't forget, am always at the end of that phone, and for last minute random-unplanned coffees! Xx

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